Every year at the watch Night service on the 31st of december , we all get a Promise Verse. Every year , I used to have the same reaction ; get a card , check the verse , keep the card in my bible and forget it . This year though something changed . A little voice at the back of my head told me to write it down and stick it on my closet door . It read Jeremiah 29:12-14 New International Version (NIV)
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
From January , I kept looking at it trying to find out what this had to with me. As the months went by , my relationship with God deteriorated . It all went downhill . For those of you who don't know me , I'm in tenth . So you know how it is . I got busy with my books . At a point of time , I realised I was in a full on tailspin and that if I didn't stop myself I would probably crash. I tried to come back on my own , but I was too weak . I hit the realisation that once again , I was helpless in a pit that I had dug . So I tried to reach out to God . But whenever I came to talk to God my insides would literally lurch . I was so disgusted with myself because I knew God and his holiness and his sacrifice and yet I still sinned not once not twice but fell multiple times into the same pit . I was like that puppy Peter described who kept going back to wallow in its own vomit . My vomit was my own web of lies that I had woven , my mind . But God decided it was high time and even the things I did gave me no satisfaction and when I tried to find God , he was silent . Yup ! Like the Dark ages . Silent .It was like he was trying to teach me a lesson. Then in december , yeah the last month of the year , I look at the promise verse on my closet wall . Those verses described my situation as here I was stuck in muck with the realisation that if I didn't get my act together fast like before my exams , I was doomed . Those verses suddenly made sense as I came to the conclusion that I had to seek God harder with everything I had . And for the first time God's word spoke in a long time "See kiddo . God loves you so he gave you multiple chances like gave to Israel but like Israel you were a stubborn whore ,so God gave you over to the passions of your heart .But he still loves you and he will take you back . " That was when I found a way out . I took it and started seeking God mainly because I realised he was the only person I could truly be honest with without fear of judgement .As I started cleaning my act up , I realised that even though God was silent doesn't mean he wasn't there . I thought of all the times I sat crying in the dark all alone and I would feel a hand (invisible) wrap around me and a warmth engulf me with hope and love and belonging as I drifted off to sleep.
I realised that there was a reason for everything (cliche I know!) . A real kudos to the people who took the pain to write those cards out they are life savers . Also to anyone else out there , who kinda messed their life up like I did , come back to God don't leave it until later because the longer you wait the stronger the darkness gets and the harder it gets . Think of it like a snake . You nurtured the egg , raised the young one and it keeps growing till it will eat you up one day and its too late for you to kill it . But you can't do it alone.(Believe me ! I've tried ). I'm not gonna say go and talk to some one because if you're like me and you've done the stuff I've done there's no way on Earth you're gonna talk to anyone in church even me and I get it . You don't have to do this alone either but if its too uncomfortable for you then just know you can talk to God like you would talk to a friend . You know how in the movies there is this dysfunctional child who goes and does all crazy things ,throwing stuff at the dad and yelling at him and the dad just takes it all very calmly till the kid is tired and worn out and comes crying to the dad and falls asleep on the dads lap . Well God is like the dad and you're that dysfunctional child you can yell at him , you can cry to him and he's not gonna punish you for it or anything because at the end of the day he loves you and he knows what you're going through . So try to talking to God , he's real alright and he listens better than anyone I know without a single ounce of judgement and he still loves you . Just know you're not alone because sometimes thats all you need . God is with you